silence

I listened this morning. No one coming in the back door. Christina, my morning daily help, wasn't coming back because her service was no longer needed.

Just as we became accustomed to our new routine with caring for Daddy in my home, now we must acclimate ourselves to what seems like empty pockets without him.

No more morning phone calls from Hospice setting their day's schedule. No food trays to carry upstairs. No visits from aides.  We could even go off this afternoon without anyone being in the house.

Changes once again.

looking for color

Mint green walls, sun rays falling across a blue cotton pillowcase, and a fuzzy peach blanket- these provide blotches of color in my black and white world. 

Every single day this week has carried troubles unique on its own, yet there have been great joys too.

From sleeping all day, hallucinations, anxiety, confusion.

Looking for foods that he would eat and trying to give comfort in every possible way.
Administering medications, and yes agonizing over that too. My hands did not have to shake because my insides were shaking plenty.

I learn daily it is impossible in my own strength...yes, proven over and over.

under the shadow of His wing

I keep. I keep under the shadow of His wings. 

Therefore, I reap pearls. 

A boggled mind these days, aching to connect with those that are caregivers for elderly parents, and more importantly to share my journey. Sometimes the thought surfaces, "I will be glad when things get back to normal." Normal? Where does that come from and where is it going to take me? If I am able to manage a brisk walk around the block, my mind clears somewhat; walking and praying go hand in hand. 

Many mornings I find myself sitting in the sunroom crying just as dawn emerges. Tears of release, the begininngs of preparing my heart for whatever may surface that day.

So here it is, my very first post. I do not know exactly where things will go from here, I just knew I had to record it somewhere or the" boggles in me would explode!