The silence here has been purposeful. I didn't know when to stop all the busy activity or how to type the words that convey what my heart is feeling. It was so much easier to just move on, get the next thing done, whatever it might be, keep moving and do not stop.
Knitting helps. It can put me in a different world for a moment, but even that has taken a backstage assignment these last few days.
Suffering is a fact of life and the tenacity of the flesh to cling to life is unbelievable. But watching the daily suffering of someone you love is emotionally draining. The never knowing what the next day will bring is the only thing that is predictable. Then the hardest of all, the decision not to use the strongest pain medications, in spite of what some might say will provide relief for her. I have increased mother's pain meds, actually her "pills" and other meds are always changing. There is a wonderful apothecary that delivers to my door so there isn't even a need to run out and get the medicine that we are hoping will provide the comfort needed. Singing to her sometimes helps, along with numerous standing-by- the-bedside head rubs. We also pray, quite a bit. Some of my aids have become sweet prayer warriors right alongside me in the care of my mother.
And right now as I as am sitting here in my sun room typing this post I hear, "Mama, come here!"