stumbling and grasping

I got angry at my mother yesterday. Right in front of my girls I became irritated at her relentless irrational behavior and I raised my voice at her. I was ashamed of myself as soon as the words were out of my mouth. But while she would never remember, my girls would never forget. I am not looking for sympathy here or even excuses, just revealing the truth of how weak I truly am and how common it is to my original fallen nature.  But isn't that the bottom line of why I needed Him to rescue me in the first place? He came to the earth incarnate and preceded all the way to the cross, to suffer and to die for me.

The events of this past week have left me in a conundrum. What is next? Sedation? Yesterday she was extremely restless and literally talked all afternoon, all evening and throughout the entire night...or at least she was when I last checked on her sometime around midnight, and as I came down the stairs early this morning I could hear her incessant words, carrying on a conversation with someone. Her mouth was dry and her lips were parched as the aid and I tried to give her morning meds and water.

I did not bring her here to my home to make her happy, those days are long gone. Therefore, her happiness is not the issue. But sometimes I find myself stepping into that mode of thinking, maybe I can control parts of what is happening. When that happens I must stop and readjust my thinking in order to continue on this path that I knew would be beyond my strength to manage from the beginning to the end.

I rejoice to think that all things are at thy disposal

and it delights me to leave them there...

I can of myself do nothing to glorify thy blessed name,

but I can through grace cheerfully surrender soul and body to thee.

                                   Valley of Vision:  A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions