journal entry dated April 29, 2012

One year ago today, my mother died. I have used this space for the past week to record some of the writings, or scribblings, in my journal of a year ago. 

...and I write these words "warm temperatures predicted" because yesterday was downright cool- cloudy too. The dismal edge hung inside my soul too. An up and down day. Sat with Mother most of the day yesterday. I can't imagine four weeks like this!

Spoke to Gail on the phone. She has no idea how all this affects me. Isn't that a good thing, after all?

I have lost so much energy...in times past some of my anxiousness was used up by doing...doing...doing. Now because I am lacking in energy, my anxiety levels seem askew.

If my Mother had her "brain intact" we could talk. She could say the things she would want to say and she could understand the things we say (or what we want to say) to her. That is the part I am grieving now I realize. It's so different than when a person is dying with their brain intact.

The entry  above was written early morning, before everyone had stirred. My time alone, to recap the day before...

LATER:

She died within two minutes of me walking into the bedroom, where an aide was standing beside her bedside. Her breathing was short, gasping- we checked her feet, they were cold/mottled.

She was totally unresponsive- one short gasp- nothing. Thirty seconds later, another sort gasp- nothing, very faint heart beat- a yawn of sorts- then, she left us for good this time.

There will be a day

with no more tears

no more pain 

and no more fears.

There will be a day

when the burden of this place

will be no more

We will see Jesus face to face.

~Jeremy Camp

Some might say she "waited" until I got home. I want to believe He allowed that because He knew I would want that, and yes, even needed it. I am thankful He was gracious to provide this for me, to return home and be with her as she breathed her last breaths.

She left this world to begin a new life of eternity on a beautiful day in April. She will be buried in the month of May, her body laid to rest beside Daddy, in Virginia.

Claire bought me a vase of roses in a gorgeous color of cream tipped with tinges of pink. I am wondering why do you always stick your nose next to the soft velvety petals of a rose and smell of its fragrance upon seeing one?

journal entry dated April 28, 2012

The possibilities of today. I look outside and it is so charming, and a pleasant sight for the eyes. Being thankful;- thank offerings always!

Mama- oh, my!

Pain and only eating bits of ice. It hurts me to see her.

I try to spend time stroking her face, kissing her, telling her I love her. This isn't easy- nor will it be. Mercy LORD, have mercy!

It's only a matter of time. Her skin is breaking down. I have changed her schedule of aides coming to 9:00 instead of 8:30. Good.

I was at a hard place yesterday morning. He delivered me. I took off for a while- I prayed...I trusted...He delivered much more than I deserved. But isn't that always the way it is?

"You paint the morning sky with miracles in mind..."

This morning...His holiness. Living sacrifices- a metaphor.

journal entry dated April 25, 2012

Dependence. I can do nothing without Him.

Wouldn't it be a foolish thing indeed to fight with God Almighty? It's a lose/ lose situation. But maybe that is the core of my intense struggle- am I struggling LORD? Break my heart. Break my will, I pray.

Something has gotta give. And I hope it is me....SURRENDER. Sweet- so far the sweet has eluded me....I can not wallpaper, paint or embellish the bare facts.

I can hardly pray. I don't know how-

II Corinthians 4:16 says, "For we faint not."

Jesus is my intercessor. He prayed for Peter that he would not be sifted by Satan. Jesus prays for me too. So LORD Jesus, pray that I will faint not today. I can not think of a better place to be than at His mercy. Mother's there too, at His mercy.

Today's Tabletalk  gave an appropriate, comforting saying:

      "The death of Christians is holy and precious to God. When we die, He receives us into Heaven; where we rest before Him until the final resurrection."

journal entry dated April 24, 2012

Yesterday brought pain, a lot of it. The intensity of her pain is hard to understand. And watching her pain is unbearable. And knowing I have in my possession a source to make her pain better-

I am scared. Perhaps my Mother and I share something here. Ironic, that our linking together would be about this matter-

I'm afraid of living and she's afraid of dying.

The things of life, matters to attend, scare me. The things of death, walking through its valleys, scare her. Jesus Christ is the answer for both of us. Today may we both find our source of strength and peace there...at the cross, in His arms.

journal entry dated April 23, 2012

The peace of yesterday was short lived. What a gift it was to me, and my mother too I might add.

But it left as quickly as it came and I find myself trembling- desiring answers, relief- someone do something.

   God? Please come.

Mother aroused, she's "better", but still not good. More pain, much more pain. But she was more aware and talked some to us. Meds given with applesauce because she chokes with water. She is very stiff and it causes lots of pain to move her. But the fever seems to be gone, not as much congestion. So what will today bring?

Sunshine, I hope, the kind that smiles on you-

journal entry dated April 22, 2012

The train whistle is clear on days like this...people going places.

I went to bed last night beside an opened window. There was the sound of gentle steady rain. Even this morning there is the feel and sight of more rain. But it is a perfect day. A day given to us by a loving heavenly Father. Such peace. I wish it could be bottled and shared; these past two days of peace that truly passes all understanding has been unbelievable. Sweet and flowing. I am so thankful.

                                                            We wait still.

Gail and Tim came for a few hours yesterday afternoon. While they was here, we went out for a short while. Gail helped me change Mother. No aid will be coming tonight because it seems so futile to pay an aid to just sit there. Rose and I will change her and turn her later.

No meds or food , no real pain or discomfort, for the most part.

I believe Mother will be beginning eternity very soon. I woke up this morning- tears- the beginning of the grief process- on a different realm. There are realms of grief. But this was one of the good ones.

It is amazing to me to look back and see His provision in every matter.

I prayed with Mother. I read her scripture, John 14. I recited Psalm 23, and I sang hymns. I even crawled in beside her in bed, but it caused her discomfort, and she did let me know. But I so wanted her not to be afraid. There were times yesterday she was, I think.

journal entry dated April 21, 2012

We wait.

 The things that are in my spirit, almost a numbness. And a peace- a reminder of a child's faith, Charlotte praying for a gentle death, and my spirit bearing witness to this prayer.

journal entry dated April 20, 2012

Friday morning dawns

I awakened early, while it was still dark. Why stay in bed? I needed to check on Mother. A light in the sun room, a "cup" of hot coffee-

There's fear in my heart. To say it is in my soul is correct too. Will Mother pull through this time? She has so often in the past. It is not the fear of her passing, but the fear that she will continue to live. 

There, I said it. I knew it as I walked and prayed on Sunday morning- in the warm sunshine on Sunday morning that bid me to remove my sweater and tie it around my waist. The suffering, the laborious, sometimes, breathing. The inability to talk- she can't move at all. I'm ready for her release, and yes, my release too. Waiting and tending.

Horseback riding lesson at 9:30. Charlotte and I will do arithmetic in the car; some simple tomato sauce to go with the delicious meatballs I made yesterday. 3 T olive oil

                                                                                  5 cloves of garlic

                                                                                  1 large can of tomatoes

                                                                                  1 can of tomato sauce

                                                                                  fresh basil

                                                                                  salt and pepper

Simple, then add the meatballs of beef/pork. Heat up a pot of water for the pasta.

Radishes from my garden...and our first salad greens.

I skitter from the pleasure of peace in simple things. I erroneously believe He is not in those things. I fight my domestic bent and don't delight in those things, thinking He deems it less important. He who created it all- and put me here. I am confused at times, I must admit. Still tryng to sort, not unlike the sorting through closets and sewing baskets. 

LORD, clear my mind to learn truth in this matter.

I do so desire to glorify my Lord, my God, my King, my Creator, my Master, my Savior, in everything. ll Peter 1:3-10 runs strong and true. Reading in Exodus about the building of the Tabernacle. I am amazed every time I read it- the details, which does answer my quandary of what God deems important. ( I like to think He would consider me for some of the needlework!)

God chose to abide in a "tent"- a tabernacle- in the desert with His people- a wandering vagabond group of ex-slaves.

Then in 1 Kings 8:27 comes to mind

"...the heaven and heaven of heavens can not contain Thee..."

                                                   Yet You live in me!

                                                            Amazing!

journal entry dated April 18, 2012

Mother is having a true decline.

It's obvious and different than before, yet there are some definite similarities. She has rallied before- so this might be another pit stop along the way.We don't know- and that is what makes it so difficult. But interestingly enough, I have a peace this time- assurance of His control. Trust in Him answering my prayer. Now, prayer for peace for my mother- no fear. I will pray....continuously.

The Boxer is away- in Atlanta- he will be back later this evening, 8:00 or so-

It rained with thunder, lightening, and extremely hard rains during the night- a deluge. I had turned on the AC because yesterday's warm temperatures had heated up the house, especially upstairs.
But during the night, after getting up to check on Mother, I opened a window. I heard the rains.

Charlotte and I watched "Ladies in Lavender". I love the music! It's in the cart from Amazon.

I pray for fine tuning with Mother...for today. After all there's only today.

Miss Read died several days ago. I love her books.

journal entry dated April 16, 2012

I stayed home from church yesterday. I walked a bit- no guilt- just sadness. By early evening I was unsettled. Don, Charlotte and I went to eat Mexican.

Hormones are playing a huge part of what's going on with me these days. I can't deny that, and the crossover smudges and has no definition of its own. Funny- the LORD knew all this too, and this was His planning. ( I assume His sovereignty can be understood in this matter).

Last night I begged the LORD to be a sleeping pill to me. My subconsciousness arises fierce and won't let go-
It's physical-hot/cold-achy.
    It's emotional.
      It's intellectual.
       It's spiritual.
The whole woman involved, indeed.

If nothing else, I am duty-driven. Not alot of fun, however.

Today:
-Schooling with purpose-
-Rose too- CD Math lesson for her
-Go to Post Office to mail package and letter
-laundry (one or two loads should suffice)
-Smocking Guild tonight at 6:30

Rose got Claire to cut her hair into a bob, of sorts. She looks so cute. I have always said Rose looks becoming in short hair. She looks so young! Of course, I'm so old. I've forgotten what it's like to be young. Multi-generationl living- Christ like ward.

It gets down to the very basics:
Are you going to rely on Him or are you going to rely on something else?
                                                                                                    meds, despair, etc.

Nailing it to the cross, the cross, the only cross.

Fear of disappointing You LORD, of failing YOU- Bare truth? I do and I will fail You.

My only hope is YOU! I should begin by thanking You for these quirky hormones- because the truth is then I have no other choice than to trust You more.

*Joy for and in the journey

• for duty- without that well-built motivation in my life, I would "take to my bed".
• prayer
• His Word
• the Holy Spirit
• lilacs whose fragrance sweeten my sun room
• owls that call out at night
• haircuts- especially Rose's

She's still breathing, not, she's still living. There's something to that, what she is these days is low in actual living.