Tuesday, April 16, 2013

journal entry dated April 16, 2012

I stayed home from church yesterday. I walked a bit- no guilt- just sadness. By early evening I was unsettled. Don, Charlotte and I went to eat Mexican.

Hormones are playing a huge part of what's going on with me these days. I can't deny that, and the crossover smudges and has no definition of its own. Funny- the LORD knew all this too, and this was His planning. ( I assume His sovereignty can be understood in this matter).

Last night I begged the LORD to be a sleeping pill to me. My subconsciousness arises fierce and won't let go-
It's physical-hot/cold-achy.
    It's emotional.
      It's intellectual.
       It's spiritual.
The whole woman involved, indeed.

If nothing else, I am duty-driven. Not alot of fun, however.

-Schooling with purpose-
-Rose too- CD Math lesson for her
-Go to Post Office to mail package and letter
-laundry (one or two loads should suffice)
-Smocking Guild tonight at 6:30

Rose got Claire to cut her hair into a bob, of sorts. She looks so cute. I have always said Rose looks becoming in short hair. She looks so young! Of course, I'm so old. I've forgotten what it's like to be young. Multi-generationl living- Christ like ward.

It gets down to the very basics:
Are you going to rely on Him or are you going to rely on something else?
                                                                                                    meds, despair, etc.

Nailing it to the cross, the cross, the only cross.

Fear of disappointing You LORD, of failing YOU- Bare truth? I do and I will fail You.

My only hope is YOU! I should begin by thanking You for these quirky hormones- because the truth is then I have no other choice than to trust You more.

*Joy for and in the journey

  • for duty- without that well-built motivation in my life, I would "take to my bed".
  • prayer
  • His Word
  • the Holy Spirit
  • lilacs whose fragrance sweeten my sun room
  • owls that call out at night
  • haircuts- especially Rose's
She's still breathing, not, she's still living. There's something to that, what she is these days is low in actual living.


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